Today was............

For some reason today I have been out of sorts.  I am not myself.  I feel different.  One of the reason's I believe is I can't remember what Curt and I did last Fourth of July.  We were together, but not with anybody else, but where we were, what we did, is a total blank.  That bothers me.  Memories are so valuable.

Our dear friends Wayne and Gail invited all of us to spend the day with them and their family at their pool. We took stuff to cookout and Wayne did a good job cooking.  It was terribly hot but it was nice to share the time together.  It was very hard to be there without Curt.  It was the first time that I had been at the pool where there have been so many family events over the years.  He loved going up there and just cooling off in the water and relaxing in the sunshine.  Of course he always had to aggravate Gail just a little bit, by saying that he hadn't had an invitation!

Today really was an emotional event for me and draining too.  I feel like I could just roll up in a cocoon and not think. feel, or move ever again.  I am realizing that missing my husband is too much, too hard, too intense.

Words can not describe the utter emptiness that I feel.  Each day I wake up thinking I am ready to try it again, and every night I say another day is done.  This repetitiveness is my life now..........what is my purpose?  The future is..............uncertain.............Planning has always been what I did best....but now there is no reason.  I am at a loss.