Six Months and still Counting................

'Dogwood' God's promise of Eternity with Him in Heaven

 Togetherness

Death is nothing at all.
 

I have only slipped away to the next room.
 

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you used to.

Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me.

Pray for me.

Let my name be the household name it always was.

Let it be spoken without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was.

What is death but a negligible accident.

Why should I be out of your mind because I am out of your sight?

All is well, nothing is lost.

One brief moment and all will be as it was before.

~Canon Henry Scott-Holland~ 

 
Our lives are measured in increments.

Webster's dictionary gives this definition for increments" the amount or degree by which something changes; especially : the amount of positive or negative change in the value of one or more of a set of variables.

I would say that definition would come very close to what I, my children, their families and others have experienced during these last six months since Curt's passing.  It is odd how the way you measure your lives becomes all about the way we reacted before and the way we react after experiencing a loss such as Curt's passing.

This is not my first loss but each loss pulls more and more at my heart strings.  Life does not prepare you for giving up someone you love. Losing someone you care about and the finality of it,... is really just too much to endure. Grieving is a personal journey and the way grief is handled is just as varied as the individuals who experience the state of grief.  Therefore I can't speak for others here but only share my thoughts and feelings.

Over the years I have lost grandparents, aunts, uncles, in-laws, a close high school friend named Bonnie Hackler, the night before graduation, all who were loved by me.  I felt sad and remorseful at their passing and wanted to share that loss with others that loved them too!  Perhaps loss increases it's depth as you grow closer to the end of your life.  The reality of existence as you have known it begins to twist and turn and is not as comfortable or as reliable when those around you begin to pass beyond your reach.

September 5, 2002 I loss a very special friend  Charlene Maddox Jones.  Her life was a struggle from the beginning. She suffered Juvenile Diabetes and it was what eventually led up to the circumstances of her passing.  I am so very thankful that God placed her in my life.  We learned so many lessons from one another, but mostly I learned to be joyful and to live my life without fear of what was to come.  She lived daily with the knowledge that her moments here on this earthly plane were fleeting, she was prepared to leave when God called her.  I was touched by the very essence of her spirit and somehow her death was like a preparation of what was to follow.

January 3, 2003 our dear friends George and Cathy Fillmore lost their son James Neil Fillmore in a tragic accidental death in Arizona.  Neil was a vibrant young man with life just opening up it's pathway's for him.  Neil's passing was a great loss to many and it's occurrence has altered the path of his parents, family and friends.  Neil lived his life as a Christian and was a leader and an example of God's teachings throughout his life.

July 12, 2003 my dad, Byron Trent Johnson passed through this earthly realm on his way to Heaven.  His loss was one I had always tried to prepare for all of my life.  When I was a very young girl the nightmares I had at night were of losing my parents.  I would wake myself up crying and in such unbearable pain.  It was my greatest fear and something I never shared.  I had always prayed that God would take me first so I would not have to suffer their loss.  The pain would be too great you see.  My dad was a gentle soul.  He was someone who always put others first even at the end of his life his concern was for my mom and who would take care of her.  God spared him the agony and pain that he suffered at the last and took him home.  God gave me the strength, courage and  the fortitude to overcome my greatest challenge of letting him go.  Curt had walked that path before me and showed me and my brother Andy how to offer a loved one the dignity and respect as they pass over.

November 13, 2003 my mom Muriel Rose Engle Johnson passed this earthly realm on her way to Heaven.  Her loss was one I had been struggling with for such a long time. When it became a reality so soon after my dad's passing it was like it happened to someone else.  My heart and my mind was unable to except it. Even though I knew her health was so poor that she struggled to breathe for many years.  It was painful to watch her have to deal with the effort.  She knew she would not be going back to her house when I took her to the hospital.  She was prepared for her journey, but she tried valiantly to stay with us.  My Mother was a very strong willed woman.  She did not offer her love easily or lightly but once she loved you it was forever.  I never told her how much I admired  the courageousness that it took for a young girl from the back hills of Appalachia in the state of Kentucky, to come to Tennessee, fall in love, leave all that she had ever known and travel all over the World and the United States.  She and my Dad leaned on each other with out help from family, raised four children, provided and cared for us all without complaint and still managed to see the brighter side of life.  I loved her great ability to be standoffish, but kind, her stubbornness and her fearfulness and her sense of being for ever youthful in looks, as well as her spice for life and all it had to offer.  At the end of her life she waited to go until her children could come see her and make peace with her passing.  Such a woman of greater strength I have never known.  She said her final goodbye to my beloved husband Curt, she shared with him through telepathy the beginning of her journey home.  Her dad Oscar Engle was there waiting for her with "Old Dan' the family horse and their only transportation for many years.  Her pain was over and she was joyful to be going home.  My mom and Curt were kindred spirits and I am grateful that he shared her parting with me.

January 23, 2010 Six months ago today I experienced a loss that words can not adequately describe.  Even with the preparation of those dear ones that had gone before I was not prepared, or ready, or capable to give up my dear friend, my companion, my lover, my sweetheart, my heart, my very soul.  It was a heartbreaking experience in it's finality. There were so many unfinished sentence's to complete.  So many adventures still to plan and travel.  So many more moments, seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years still needed to complete the journey of our life together.  In a few short minutes the decision was completed.  God answers prayers. Curt asked for God "to help him he was ready to go" and God did as he was asked.  I was there through it all.  I knew I was in 'the waiting room' I had been there before.  I knew what to expect, I knew what was going to happen.  I knew what I should do, but I wasn't ready, I wasn't prepared to let go, it was too soon, too quick, too fast....but when it was all said and done it was decided long ago and it was between God and his son Curtis Andrew Lane and he was calling him home to Heaven and I know he was ready to go because I was there.........

Curt was, without question living his life with a purpose.  Each day was special and meant something to his very being.  Our paths crossed 41 years ago and we shared those years together, as we mingled families, friends, and our beliefs in God.  He taught me so much about Spirituality.  We enjoyed our children, grandchildren and the lives that we shared with them. Those years were grand and I am grateful for the time we had together.  Wishing for a different outcome to the story will not change the ending.

I have had six months to ponder and remember and I am not yet done with my grieving.  Perhaps I will never be done but I am looking and searching for the way forward. I look back at those who have walked this path before me. I have seen their face's written with their pain, and the sorrow in their eyes, and I am reaching towards understanding.  I have learned and grown in these past months.  I know for certain that none of God's children are taken before their time.  He tells us that in Revelations.  He had a plan for all of us long ago before we ever began our journey and he will be there to see us complete our earthly journey and welcome us home.

LSL