Forgetting but Remembering

It seems as though lately I have been forgetting to remember. Even as I wrote that last sentence I realized that it did not make a whole lot of sense. It appears that I have been in a bit of a muddle, in so many ways. In my mind, my heart, and my ability to remember. I think perhaps it is because the reality of my situation has finally come to rest, and the reality of my life as I now know it is the result.

What I am discovering is that grieving is a long term disability. I guess you could relate it to stages, if you must quantify it. The first year of my personal grieving for my love Curt has passed into the abyss of 2010.  I know I experienced a multitude of feelings and emotions but I feel almost as if it happened to someone else.  There were many activities that were going on all around me that I was involved with, enabling me to circumvent reality in many ways. Those of you who know me and mine, probably understand without me spelling out the details in this writing.

As the first milestone of Curt's passing hit, so did reality come crashing in, like the earthquakes, tornado's, floods and other tragedies that have happened all around the world.  There are moments when you feel so overwhelmed by it all that it seems like it would be nice to retreat or to runaway, but alas it follows like all nightmares, relentlessness in it's pursuit of your sanity and well being.

If I am to be honest and I am really trying to be, I have discovered a sense of freedom that I have never known before.  In a way it it is kind of ironic that I am nearly 62 years old and have discovered what many others usually find when they are away at college and on their own for the first time.  While it has been a unique experience for me and not entirely without pleasure, I felt more comfortable having the cushion of sameness surrounding me. I have known for along time that I am a control freak. I do not do well when I can't have a say in what is happening in things that have a bearing on my life or those that I care about. The feeling I spoke about earlier about being muddled has come from my control factor turning up MIA.There has not been one area of my life that has not changed and my function button is totally in disarray.

I have overcome several challenges and I am working on even more as I write this.  I have become a part of a women's morning Bible study at Fountain City United Methodist Church.  It is a mixture of young women, middle aged and women who are in their prime life experience.  What a blessing the study, the women and the knowledge that I have received has been. This study has allowed me to re-kindle my relationship with the Lord in a very powerful and meaningful way.  In an amazing way it has also led others to my door sharing the same message that I have studied so that it might further enhance the lessons of God's teachings in a real and personal way. My dear friend of many years Jean Moore,opened the door for this experience, and my gratitude for her graciousness and kindness in including me, was a wonderful example of a random act of kindness.  Speaking of random acts of kindness. I have been on the receiving end of so many of these acts. I have no doubt that God has fostered these acts on my behalf. When I have been at a low point, there has been a card, a phone call, an invitation, a smile  or a conversation by a stranger to buoy me up and carry me through. We as human beings need the tender stroking of others as we make our way through the day to day moments of life. I can not imagine being totally isolated and alone and surviving. There have been  times when I have felt that way  but I really believe that those sad pitiful moments are from an outside source which I will not even give credence to in this writing. The armor of the Lord surrounds me with his heavenly angels and brings me peace.

Eph 6:10-17 (NIV) ...Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armour of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armour of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled round your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

I have learned that I can not rely on the community of others to carry me through the day. Many women and men that I have shared a conversation with do not feel comfortable being alone. Therefore they suffer in silence,staying home, waiting on someone to share a meal,a trip,or an outing with. Others,because of their loneliness, have jumped into relationships too soon, too fast, and too furious. Leaving them to regret their hasty decision later on.  

It is a very unsettling way of life to be thrown into aloneness, after having total togetherness for so many years. Companionship is a sought after commodity, by many folks like myself.  Personally I still carry Curt's strong aura with me.  It is like a soothing stroking on my forehead with a gentle breath of a kiss, or a pat on my hip as I turn for sleep in the night, this unseen, but felt presence enables me to do many things I otherwise normally would not do.  

Curt was very comfortable in his skin, and was talented beyond belief. I never can recall him being unsure about his abilities.  Self assuredness is a very special gift because it allows you to have the courage and the fortitude to go forward without fear or doubt. I never had that self assuredness factor within me.  I was like the 'cowardly lion' in "The Wizard of Oz". Always filled with uncertainty and self doubt about my abilities.I still want to rely on that old way of facing things but I am gradually finding myself feeling secure in the knowledge that I can do what is asked of me. 

My pathway has had some ruts and dislodges, just like our roadway's after a hard winter. I can't say I enjoy having to make life changing decisions alone, going out to eat alone, watching movies alone, traveling alone, waking up alone but I am learning if I am to remain on this earth then I must find a way to make it work.  

Each individual has to find their own way. Finding my way is not easy, but I have many strong examples of those that have walked this path before me, as well as the heritage and strength of generations of Johnson's, Engle's, Wallace's,Webster's,Lane's and Hanson's.   

This life I am living is not what I would have chosen, but it is what I have and I must make the best of what is left of it. I have been given an opportunity to do something more, 'What will it be'?  I am open to suggestions. 

Thank you for reading my rambling words of dis-jointed thoughts.  LSJL

Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.  ~Mary Anne Radmacher